A few years ago, First Free stopped doing Trunk-or-Treat in the church parking lot, in favor of people staying home on Halloween night, meeting neighbors and handing out treats.

Turns out, not everyone is good at this. In 2019, this blog featured an article describing well-intentioned residents who get flagged by neighborhood kids for Halloween misconduct. It was written before it was common for people to have doorbell cameras, in an era when people actually answered their doors. Halloween might be the lonely exception now, a night when ringing someone’s doorbell isn’t an invitation to be scanned and background checked.

So … for those who might not have seen it five years ago, here’s a repeat with a few revisions. You can read our list of neighbors-not-to-be, make necessary adjustments and prevent toilet paper from accumulating in your trees later that evening.

These are the people you do not want to be on Halloween:

The Rationers

People who answer the door with a 55-gallon drum of candy — the good candy — but then insist that each trick-or-treater take only one measly piece. By the end of the evening, they still have a 55-gallon drum of the good candy … which you suspect was the plan all along.

The Generics

None of that overpriced, so-called “good candy” at this house. Those plain, orange-and-black wrapped peanut-butter things were good enough for these people as kids, so they’re good enough for the neighbor kids now. Best of all, one $3 bag gets them through the evening because the little urchins only take one each, just to be polite.

The Dog Enablers

They (the dogs) start barking when someone gets within 500 yards of the front door. The residents try to be friendly, opening the door just wide enough to get an arm through and hand out candy while they leg-block Kujo from lunging at little Disney princesses.

1428 Elm Street

A dad who’s just a little too enthusiastic has filled the front yard with props and scenes that would frighten a horror film director. Witches, zombies, assorted chainsaw mayhem … it’s all here to make sure every little kid in the neighborhood sleeps with one eye open for the next year. And then there’s a friendly couple at the door asking kids if they want some candy. Um, no.

The Granolas

Those people. The ones who make salads from garden compost, mill their own flour and drink organic Kale slushies. Candy has never darkened the door of this house and it certainly would never be handed to unsuspecting young ones. The dingy green treats offered here are home-wrapped in cellophane and taste like the bottom of a lawnmower. Word gets out quickly among trick-or-treaters: Run away!

The Bucketeers

These busy folks can’t take time to answer their door for sniveling kids demanding candy. The ingenious solution: the honor bucket! Fill a bucket — a small bucket, probably one of those cheap plastic jack-o-lanterns — with fun-sized (microscopic) candy. Nothing really good, or some little ingrate will take it all in one swipe. The residents leave the bucket on the driveway, but not too close to the house. Then they peek through the drawn blinds periodically to monitor the situation. When the bucket is empty, they turn off the porch light and call it a night.

The Mother Lode

King-size candy bars for everyone! Someone’s either generous or clueless, but if you’re the kid in the Spiderman costume holding a bag, you don’t care. This approach qualifies as Halloween misconduct only because the residents proclaim themselves superior to the rest of the neighborhood. A stop here equates in candy weight to about eight stops at the “fun size” houses. This house has been called the holy grail of Halloween. That is, unless you happen upon …

Bill and Melinda Gates

They hand out money. For real. Sometimes it’s pennies or nickels. But at some houses, it’s dollar bills. Word about a house like this spreads like wildfire. A line forms, and kids will trade masks in the street so they can ring this doorbell multiple times. Then the residents run out of small bills, turn off the porch light and Lord of the Flies breaks out on the sidewalk between kids who got money and kids who got bupkis.

The Chatties

People who want to know everything about the kids’ costumes, where they got them and the characters they’re portraying. Then they start reminiscing about the homemade costumes they wore, made out of pocket lint and rolled-up newspaper because that was all they had back in those days but they were grateful and you kids don’t know how good you have it with your store-bought costumes and your fancy candy. Meanwhile, the kids just nod and fidget because they are losing precious time with one whole side of the street to go.

Zero Dark Thirty

No lights on, no driveway bucket. Only the bravest kids ring this doorbell … which is a combination doorbell camera and pepper spray dispenser that the residents are monitoring from their secret, underground lair. Don’t bother with this house.

The Dentist’s House

Toothbrushes. Floss. That is all we have to say about that.

The Forgottens

These are the people who forgot to buy candy and now are handing out anything that happens to be in their fridge or pantry: Cheez-Its. Frosted Mini-Wheats. Flintstone vitamins. Fish sticks. Yes, even kale. You’ll know this house because you can find these groceries discarded by trick-or-treaters on the sidewalk out front.

There you have it. Don’t get yourself on this list, hand out good treats, enjoy meeting your neighbors, and when you wake up Nov. 1 and look out on your lawn, all should be well.