No one likes to think about death—especially their own. That’s true even among Christians, for whom death represents entering the presence of God. But a large church like First Free, with many older members, addresses death often. This summer has seen a funeral at church every couple of weeks.

We spoke with retired Pastor Chuck Rife, who still handles many of those funerals, and with Colleen Clinton, one of our church deaconesses. Among other ways they serve people, the deaconesses coordinate hospitality and food at funerals. Colleen lost her husband, Pat, to brain cancer 13 years ago, and she draws on that experience.

Several years ago, Chuck taught a three-week series on Wednesday evenings about death. Only four people attended. When he taught the subject in an Adult Community, the attendance was the lowest ever.

“People don’t want to talk about it,” Chuck says. “We like to talk about how we’re not afraid of death because we know we’re eternally secure. But we’re also scared of it, aren’t we?”

So … if you think you may die someday, you should keep reading. We break the conversation into two parts. This week: funerals—what’s important, what’s unimportant and preparations anyone can make right now. Next week, we’ll discuss how fear of death can actually make the process far more difficult for individuals and families.

What is important about a funeral?

Colleen Clinton: I just think it’s a great time to celebrate the life of the person, and to honor that person for the impact that they’ve had on a lot of the people that will be at the funeral. That’s kind of an important thing. And I’m sad that you look in the paper and a lot of people don’t have anything anymore. Nothing. I think it shows our value of people, to have some time to honor them.

Chuck Rife: I always approach a funeral as a worship service. And I tell the family that. First and foremost, we’re going to worship the Lord in the celebration of the life of the person.

Every person is a creation of God. I get very upset, especially with Christians, when they have nothing. It’s really the family. The deceased obviously can’t do much about it. It just bothers me because you’re saying that this creation of God made no difference. I just think that’s terrible.

I wonder if it’s just inability to face it.

Colleen Clinton: There was one situation I knew of. I don’t think the kids were following the Lord. They didn’t want to come into church. And so they avoided it by having a celebration at a restaurant. And the deceased—she would have felt terrible about that.

Chuck Rife: (My wife) Ruth and I were just talking about this. I could mention several names right now, still living, and I doubt that there will be anything. And it’s not because of the individuals. Because they love the Lord and they serve the Lord. It’s because of family. They’re not connected to our church and they wouldn’t even know me. Even though we visited those people many times, the family was never there. So I think what happens is, it makes it easier for people just to do nothing.

Sometimes families are estranged from each other, and that makes these things extra-difficult.

Chuck Rife: Two places you see families: weddings and funerals. And I can tell you pretty much what’s going on in a family as soon as I meet with them. Because you hear it. I had one family when they literally fought. I had to stop them.

You mentioned a celebration of life, and I get that. But we also really miss the person. Do we leave enough room to grieve at funerals for Christians?

Chuck Rife: I think it’s a time of remembrance. It’s a time of rejoicing in the goodness of God in this person’s life. Whatever level they lived their life. If they obviously didn’t live for the Lord and they weren’t saved, you’ve got to be very cautious about that.

I think we need to talk about their benefit to the community. I believe it’s what the family want to hear. I can’t imagine being morbid or downcast. When I meet with the family before we go into service, I always tell them this is going to be a service of celebration. This is going to be a service of positiveness. This is going to be a service of uplifting and encouragement.

That doesn’t mean you can’t grieve. There’s plenty of time to grieve. There is grief at a funeral, but I don’t think the service is the time to be morbid and to be down and discouraging. I don’t know how many people have come to me almost after every funeral and said, “Thank you for the encouragement.”

Jesus wept when Lazarus died. So there are tears to be shed about death, right?

Chuck Rife: You know, I studied that. Do you know why he cried? Because the people were so remorseful. It was that they were so sad. They didn’t have faith in him. Of course, what did he say to Martha? “I am the resurrection and the life. Do you believe?”

Yeah. I get that, but it’s still good to cry because you’re going to miss the person, right? And just for the human condition at present, when death is still very real?

Chuck Rife: And I tell people even as they do memories: It’s OK if you cry. I just don’t want you to lose control, to where you can’t regain it and you embarrass yourself. If that happens, I’m willing to come up and finish if they have it written down.

Tell me about some of the bad theology people speak when attending funerals. I know you both have probably heard lines that are just cringeworthy.

Colleen Clinton: Well, one of the things is insinuating that everybody who dies goes to heaven. And their baptism and their confirmation. Many times it’s stated that if they did those things, they are in heaven.

Chuck Rife: I’ve also heard where as a child, they professed faith, but I’ve never seen any fruit of their salvation. I can’t go up and say to that audience that the person is in heaven. You’ve got to be very careful how you handle it. There may be no evidence, but the family will tell you, “I know that they’re in heaven.”

I mean, I don’t know. I’m not the Holy Spirit.

Yeah. And it’s not really the time and place to argue about it.

Chuck Rife: You can’t. I mean, you never know.

How do you get around that?

Chuck Rife: I’ll tell you what I do. People may not even notice it. First of all, I preach the gospel. And then secondly, I always say, “The Bible tells us that if we’ve entrusted Jesus as our personal Savior, he’s given us the gift of eternal life, and he’s promised that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.” Now, you heard what I said. I didn’t say that the person is in heaven. I said what the Bible teaches in regard to salvation and eternal life. And you have to leave it with that.

The one that made me cringe was when we had some close relatives killed in a car accident. And people came up to us at the funeral and said, “Well, God needed them more than we did.” That’s an awfully warped view of God.

Colleen Clinton: Or “They became an angel.” Or so many people are into this thing with cardinals. They’re convinced (that seeing a cardinal is a sign from a loved one who has died).

Chuck Rife: People do that because they don’t know what to say.

What are some better things to say at a funeral when you don’t know what to say?

Chuck Rife: Well, I always extend my condolences to the individual, and I try to say something that I knew about the person. Maybe how they touched my life, what they meant to me. I think we get confused. We think we have to do words. People don’t remember. And I often tell families, “You won’t remember what was said. You will remember the fact that people were there in your time of pain. So just accept their presence.”

And I always warn families. Some people will say things that can be very hurtful. They don’t mean to be that. They just don’t know what to say.

So I just try to encourage the family. And it’s hard. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, either. So it’s best to keep quiet when you don’t know what to say.

Tell me about the best funeral you’re ever attended. What are some things that made it so good?

Chuck Rife: Well, again, it’s all about worship for me. So when there’s a service that I attend, God is given the glory. People’s lives are remembered and celebrated. And I always say this to families, too, and I don’t know if they always listen to me, but that’s OK: You can go too long in your memories, and you defeat the very thing that you want, because people get turned off and bored.

I don’t do open mics. If anyone asks for that, I will say we can do that in the fellowship time or the luncheon. And I’ll be glad to bring the mic around. But I will not do an open mic in the service. Because once when I did, one person went off on a lot of negativity, and I felt so sorry for the spouse. I didn’t know what to do.

What are other ways to remember someone at a funeral?

My sister did something nobody’s ever done before. She was a godly woman, and she wanted the Hallelujah Chorus. And that was powerful. That’s when the tears came for me.

Because you knew it meant so much to her.

Chuck Rife: Yeah. But again, that’s worship. When there’s a strong emphasis of worship, you can sense the presence of the Lord, even though it’s a funeral. And the person has been adequately celebrated for their life, what they did.

I’m also one that advises, be concise. Don’t go on and on and on. But speak what you remember. That’s what’s important to me. That’s those are the funerals I remember.

Colleen Clinton: I think music is really an important thing. Maybe what the person loved is a hymn. My girls recorded a duet, and we did it before (Pat died), so he could hear it. And he listened to it over and over again. I’m so glad we did that.

Chuck Rife: Wes Engstrom prerecorded, too. He sang twice in his service. It was powerful. He had a beautiful voice. And at Norma Bleed’s graveside service, Norma sang.

At Rolf Egeland’s funeral, they read a happy letter Rolf had pre-written, from the point of view of now being in the presence of God. Those kinds of things just bring everyone a smile, I think.

Chuck Rife: Yes. And I agree with Colleen. There’s just nothing like music. Otherwise it’s all this talk-talk-talk. I tell people, at least two songs. Preferably no more than five. Ideally three. Music gives you the opportunity just to be quiet before the Lord. I mean, obviously there are the lyrics. But music is the song of the soul. I think it just pulls everything together. And I like the  strongest song last.

What about things that might seem necessary at a funeral but really aren’t?

Chuck Rife: You don’t have to do all the picture boards. You don’t have to have all the mementos out. You don’t have to do a reception. It doesn’t matter what people think. You do what you want to do. So those things you don’t have to do, and you don’t have to have a church funeral. I always say, if you don’t want a church funeral, then let’s at least have a graveside service where you’re honoring this life that God created. And invite whomever you want.

When you talk about this sort of planning, what tends to be neglected?

Chuck Rife: I would say with the highest percentage of funerals I do, there was no planning. And you sit there with a family who’s grieving and one person says, “I’ve had to make so many decisions today. I just can’t make any more decisions. I can’t handle this any more.”

And I just think, Oh my, this is so sad. If they would just have done this prior.

Colleen Clinton: And then they might make decisions like a casket that’s way out of their league financially. Just because they’re feeling horrible and they go overboard.

Chuck Rife: What I say to the families, and nobody will listen to me, is: Prepare for your death. Talk about the funeral home. I talked to Olson (Funeral & Cremation Services) recently and asked them, what is the percentage of cremations to burying the body? It’s about 70 to 30 cremation.

So you need to talk about that. Are you going to be cremated? Are you going to have your body buried? You need to talk about the service. I always say, write down your favorite verses of Scripture. Favorite text of Scripture. Favorite songs. Make sure you write those down. Even who you want to officiate the service. Where you want that service to be.

We’ve already done all that. But I can’t get people to do that. They can’t talk about it. It’s the taboo of our culture.

Colleen Clinton: With Pat, we knew he was going to die. And it was not going to be that long. We went to several funeral homes. Got that all taken care of. And he wrote his own obituary. I said, “The paper’s never going to accept that.” He said, “I don’t care. I’m going to do it anyway. We have to pay for it.” And they did print it.

Chuck Rife: I was telling that someone that Ruth and I made all our arrangements. And they said, “Did you write the obituary?” And I said, “No, I never thought of that.” And they said, “Well, your kids aren’t going to know it.” So have we written our obituary.

I wonder if maybe that mindset could help get us past not wanting to talk about this stuff—when it’s not about you, but it’s a gift to your family.

Chuck Rife: I just wish that our people would sit and talk about it when they’re healthy and their minds are alert, and put some things down on paper. I’ve even heard spouses say to me, “I’ve tried and they just won’t.” They won’t talk about it.

Colleen Clinton: I wanted to share a Scripture that Pat always referred to. It’s Ecclesiastes 7:1-4. “A good name is better than fine perfume. And the day of death is better than the day of birth. It’s better to go to the house of mourning than to a house of feasting. For death is the destiny of every man. The living should take this to heart.”

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Next week: Dealing with fear, and family, as death approaches.